This Is My Depression.

I’ve just burst into heaving sobs.

The kind that have me doubling over, one arm wrapped around my torso, the other hand over my heart as though I can physically keep myself from falling further apart.  My face hides in my shoulder, muffling the sound of my cries (I’ve lived with blissfully unaware roommates for so long that silencing myself has just become another part of the routine).  I’m not an attractive crier so it’s not a pretty sight – snot above my upper lip and streaked across the back of my hand, my face all red and splotchy.  I’m acutely aware of how pathetic I am in this moment.

This is my depression.

My chest is still heavy and my heart is still racing but the frantic tears have ceased.

Thank fucking god.

 

1-2,3-4,5-6,-7,8,910.

My fingers tap a steady rhythm against the pad of my left thumb.

A long pull from an almost forgotten drink, a cigarette lit between trembling fingers as my mind races from topic to topic, no sense or order to the thoughts flitting across my mind.

This is my depression.

It rears it’s ugly head whenever it pleases, lingering for a bit and leaving a hot mess in it’s trail.  Worst of all, it diminishes my ability to logically reason with the inner voices.

The inner voices are right cunts when unleashed.

This is my depression.

It’s long days spent beneath a heavy blanket, shifting from side to side unable to find a comfortable position for more than 27 seconds (I count).

It’s endless nights spent gazing at the ceiling, shaking my fists at the heavens, silently pleading to a god I don’t truly believe in to grant me a few hours reprieve.

It’s the sinking feeling in my stomach, the heavy weight on my chest as I squeeze my eyes tighter and tighter in an effort to force the tears out.

It’s the excuses to keep my friends from seeing the truth on my worst days.

It’s the numbness that takes over, body and soul, in an attempt at self-preservation.

This is my depression.

Crippling at it’s worst, forgettable at its best.

Most days are spent in an oblivious bliss, the voices quiet, my thoughts logical and reasonable and productive and god help me, I function as a regular, happy member of society but not every day is positive and some days end like today.

This is my depression and I desperately wish there were an easy solution.  A snap of the fingers, a click of the heels, a fairy godmother to appear and bippity-boppity-boo all my sorrows away.  Alas, my life is (tragically) not a fairy-tale and I must be my own hero.  So I wipe my tears and blow my nose and try to choke down at least a bottle of water.  I wrap myself up in my own arms beneath a heavy blanket and wait for this moment in time to pass.

For this too shall pass
(how many times have I heard that horrifically cheesy phrase uttered from a therapists mouth?)

This is my depression.

A burden I wish I didn’t have to bare.

But one I must.

So I’ll take these days for what they are – a mere moment in time. They are the exception, not the norm and for that I am infinitely grateful (and proud of how far I’ve come).

This is my depression, but it is not all I am.

 

 

2 thoughts on “This Is My Depression.

  1. Hey Maysen
    I just read this going “yep…yep…oh yes” even the ugly crier bit ! But when ‘it’ strikes it’s horrible. I love your last line. This is my depression, but it’s not all I am – so, so true. I think many people think – you have depression and that’s it! Yes, it has it moments (been a rough couple of weeks myself) but reading blogs such as yours help me realise – cliche alert 🚨 you’re not alone and as the therapist say – it shall pass. (Damn them and their cliched logic )

    Anyways I just thought I’d take this opportunity to say what a good thing it is you’re doing and come pay day I’ll get a sponsor your way. Take care, safe travels and have fun. All the best, Matt

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you so much. I’ve always had a deep love for writing that I can relate to – The Bell Jar is one of my favourite books because I can honestly see bits of myself in the main character. It makes me so happy that others can relate to my writing.

      And also, I mean, comments like this make me ugly cry in the best way possible.

      Thank you for the support!! x

      Like

Your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s