From the moment I opened my eyes I could feel it in my bones. It was going to be a trying day.
Physically, I was well-rested and bearably sore. Mentally, I was a wreck. Hyper-aware of every heart beat (thu-thu-thu-thump), I could literally feel the anxiety crawling up my skin. It started in my fingers, a tingle of sorts and by the time it reached my chest I could hardly breathe. It was as though an elephant had taken up residence on my chest.
I knew there would be days like this, there always are, yet somehow they manage to catch me off guard each and every time.
My initial reaction was anger. I mean, fuck off! Everything is brilliant! I had a good nights rest, met some incredible people, and had an easy days hiking ahead of me. Why the absolute bloody fuck would my dodgy mind choose today to pull this stunt?! Can you not let me enjoy this easy day?!
No fun to be had.
Sluggishly, I dragged myself through my morning routine and with a final hug from Siobhan and a kiss on the forehead from Mike, I was on my way. I often wonder if people realize the effect these small actions can have on someone’s day.
I trudged through the days distance, tears a constant threat. A bit of mountains in the first kilometre followed by kilometre upon kilometre of country roads. I kept my mind at bay with the Wicked soundtrack and did all I could to silence the inner voices of anxiety and depression.
A few hours in it all came out.
Hunched over my hiking poles in the middle of nowhere, Ireland, I cried my eyes out. Loudly. I’m talking gasping for breath, snot dripping on to my top, full body trembling kind of cry. It was as though my uterus and my mind teamed up and decided to let every single sad thought out all at the exact same moment.
I stood there for half an hour desperately trying to catch my breath before I managed to compose myself.
“This too shall pass”
God it’s horrifically cliche, but it’s true. And it did. I might have been miserable all day and too caught up in my own mind to appreciate the view, but you know what? I got through it. It was hard, I can’t find the words to properly describe just how hard it was to hold myself together all day.
But I did it.
And the day ended on a high note. Another contact of Jim O’Sullivan, Trish, picked me up and brought me a campground, where she so generously covered my night here. I’m going to sleep beside the sea, waking up to a beautiful view, and only have 1 mountain to climb tomorrow.
So tonight I’ll drift off with a content heart.
I want to thank you all for the support and encouragement – I sincerely could not do this without you!
As always, I’d love if you could check out my fundraising page! Mental Health Ireland is incredible, and they do so much for people such as me, who struggle with mental health. Without organizations such as MHI, I would be truly lost.
With that my darlings, I bid you goodnight! Sweet dreams of a better tomorrow!